


Armin Loses It Again

by lyrasprinkles



Series: Armin Loses It [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Erwin has Fabulous Secret Eyebrow Powers, Hange is Dr Doofenshmirtz, If you're confused now wait till you read the story, Jean Kirstein/Marco Bott's Ashes, M/M, Multi, Parody, This Is STUPID, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 21:44:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9347594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyrasprinkles/pseuds/lyrasprinkles
Summary: Armin finds out that his friends have switched to their fandom personalities, and he is not pleased.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a parody. Also, a crackfic. Fair warning - it may offend someone.

Armin Arlert was walking back to the barracks, a book tucked under his arm. It was past midnight, and the bunks were eerily quiet. Even though he was expected to be in bed at this time, he had decided to spend some time reading in the library.

  
Ever since that night when he had that nightmare about his friends acting OOC, Armin had been spending less time with the others and more time in the library. His friends had also vanished after dinner – Eren was getting some private training from Captain Levi, Mikasa had disappeared to god knows where, Jean had decided to visit the Memorial Wall, Hange had gone back to her lab, Erwin wanted to comb his eyebrows, Sasha went wandering about and Connie’s whereabouts didn’t matter because he wasn’t a very popular character. As for Krista, Ymir, Bertolt and Reiner, no one knew where they went because they would remain unnoticed to the fandom until their secret identities were revealed.

  
He let his mind wander as he slowly walked back to his bunk.

  
 _It’s strange that I was in the library instead of with my friends,_ he thought. _I mean, you’d think that being in a show where any of us could die any day would make me appreciate my comrades more, but no. I’m the show’s resident nerd. I have to fulfill the nerd quota and spend a third of my time in the library._

  
Sighing, he studied the book he was carrying. It was a book about the oceans and the outside world. _Of course. Forget the fact that books about the outside world are banned within the walls, making something like this very rare and difficult to obtain. I must carry one around at all times. Especially if I want to impress a cute reader-insert who’s also interested in the outside world._

  
He slowly trudged up the stairs, contemplating his existence. It was then that he heard a very disturbing sound.

  
At first he thought it was an animal. It wasn’t unusual for wild animals to roam about after dark, and Armin guessed that it was probably a stray cat passing by. But then the noise came again, and he decided that it definitely was _not_ a cat – rather, it sounded like two people kissing.

  
He racked his brain as to who it could possibly be. There were no (surviving) canon couples anymore, besides Ymir and Krista. But what would Ymir and Krista be doing near the boys’ bunk? Against his best interests, he decided to take a peek.

  
He quietly tiptoed around the cabin and walked towards the sound. He could see two figures in the darkness, leaning against the cabin wall, making out furiously. And they were definitely male.

  
Armin had to stifle a gasp when he realized who they were.

  
He quickly hid in a bush and studied the couple, wondering what on earth was happening. Eren had said that he was going to train with Levi, but...was this what he meant by training? He was currently on top of Levi, pushing him against the wall and kissing him like there was no tomorrow. Levi, on the other hand, was strangely submissive – he was letting Eren do things to him that Armin’s innocent mind could not comprehend. And to make matters worse, Levi’s shirt was already off.

  
 _What?_ Armin thought, his breathing getting heavier. _What is going on? What were – no, why were Eren and Levi making out behind the cabin? Were they together now? When did this happen? What about –_

  
He couldn’t help letting out a little squeak when Eren abruptly pulled down Levi’s trousers. The Captain was now completely naked before Eren – and Armin.

  
“Wait,” Levi said suddenly, his head turning towards the bush Armin was hiding in. “Did you hear that?”

  
“No,” Eren said impatiently, trying to turn Levi’s face away from the bush and back towards him. “Let’s get back to what we were doing.”

  
“Hang on,” Levi replied. To Eren’s annoyance, and Armin’s horror, Levi quickly pulled up his trousers and buttoned them, before making his way towards Armin.

  
_Shit. Shit shit shit. What have I gotten myself into?_

  
With his characteristic frown on his face, Levi picked up Armin by the collar and pulled him out of the bush.

  
“Well, well, well,” he drawled. All the submissiveness he had put on with Eren had vanished, and he was back in control. “What do we have here?”

  
“I – I didn’t see anything, Captain!” Armin stammered. He closed his eyes and scrunched up his face, expecting to feel Levi’s boot by his side.

  
“Armin? What are you doing here?” Eren asked, walking towards the two of them. “Weren’t you supposed to be in the library?”

  
Before Armin could answer, a voice interrupted him. “Psst! Guys! Hey, guys!”

  
The three turned around to find Sasha grinning at them.

  
“What do _you_ want now?” Levi said rudely.

  
She held out her hand. “Potatoes,” she said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

  
Levi sighed. He nodded at Eren, who reached into his pockets and pulled out a small baked potato. Quickly, he tossed it at Sasha.

  
_Why the fuck is Eren carrying potatoes in his pockets?_

  
“Thanks!” Sasha saluted them and disappeared. Levi turned his attention back to his victim.

  
“Explain yourself, brat.” he barked.

  
“I – I –” Armin stammered. “I was going back to bed, but then I heard a noise and I saw – no, I mean, I didn’t see anything, sir!” he corrected himself.

  
“Hmmph.” Levi released Armin, dropping him back on the ground. “I hope you’ll keep your mouth shut about this, brat.”

  
“Yes, sir!” Armin saluted hastily. Then, with a deep breath, he asked, “But, um, sir? When did you and Eren –”

  
“We’ve been together for a few months now,” Eren replied, a small smile on his face. He curled his fingers around Levi’s. “You’re actually the first person to know.”

  
“But –” Armin tried to find the words to explain the problem. “Isn’t this against the rules? I’m pretty sure there’s a rule in the military that forbids soldiers from dating each other.” _Well, it didn’t stop Franz and Hannah, and look at them now._

  
Levi shrugged. “So?”

  
“And isn’t this technically ephebophilia?” Armin continued.

  
“What’s that?” Eren asked.

  
“I mean, isn’t Levi, like, twice your age?” Armin asked.

  
Levi raised an eyebrow. “Your point being?”

  
Armin shook his head, exasperated. “Nothing. Just – carry on with what you were doing.” He turned around to make his way back to the cabin.

  
But Levi wasn’t having any of that. A firm hand was placed on Armin’s shoulder. “And where do you think you’re going?” he said, in a dangerous tone.

  
Armin was immediately afraid.

  
“Levi, what are you doing?” Eren asked, impatient to continue with what he was doing. “Let’s keep going – we don’t have much time left.”

  
Levi shook his head. “He needs to be punished,” he replied, a hard look on his face. “He can’t get away with this.”

  
The two of them exchanged glances. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Eren said.

  
With a nod, his partner picked up Armin’s collar again and dragged him with them to the cabin wall.

  
“Please,” Armin begged. Tears were beginning to form in his eyes. This was not how he imagined his end. He always thought he would die at the hands of the Titans, or of an injury, but not like this: killed by his superior. He had the sudden image of Levi and Eren tying him to a pole and roasting him over an open fire as a sacrifice to the Titans.

  
All because he walked in on them at that very moment.

  
“Hey, wait a minute!” he cried. “Sasha saw you guys too! Why aren’t you punishing her?”

  
“Um, Sasha saw us, like, five times already,” Eren explained. “We just give her a potato and she forgets it ever happened.”

  
“Well, I can forget about it, too!” he pleaded. “I swear, Eren, I just –”

  
“Keep your mouth shut,” Levi hissed.

  
With a sigh, Armin hung his head. He was going to die. He knew it.

  
“Eren,” he begged his best friend. Surely Eren would understand, right? “We’ve been friends for so long. Don’t do this to me.”

  
Eren shot him a sympathetic look. “Don’t worry. Levi and I will take good care of you.”

  
This wasn’t what Armin was expecting to hear.

  
“Come again?” he said.

  
Eren licked his lips. “As long as you obey,” he whispered, “we’ll keep you happy.”

  
That was when Armin realized what Eren and Levi _really_ wanted to do with him.

  
He had to act fast. Sucking in a deep breath, he screamed as loudly as he could.

  
“Shhh!” Levi hissed harshly, slapping his hand on Armin’s mouth. But Armin did not shut up. Even though he knew he wasn’t as strong as Levi and Eren, he wriggled furiously against Levi’s grip on him. When he realized that this had no effect on Levi, he bit down on his hand. Hard.

  
Levi hissed in pain and immediately let go of Armin’s mouth. Armin debated on whether he should scream again, but the look on Levi’s face was enough to keep his quiet. He gulped. Maybe Levi was going to kill him after all.

  
But before Levi could do anything, a shadow approached the group. Quick as lightning, the girl grabbed Armin out of the Captain’s grasp and moved a few feet away.

  
“Oh Sina,” Armin breathed, tears of relief streaming down his face. “Thank you. Thank you so much, Mikasa. I was so afraid! I don’t know what’s gotten into them! You won’t believe what they were gonna do to me! I –”

  
He stopped when he finally got a look at the girl’s face. “You’re not Mikasa.”

  
The girl had short hair, styled in bangs similar to Mikasa’s, but in a dark blue shade instead. She was dressed in a casual, albeit revealing outfit: a blue jacket, a pair of shorts and black boots. Even the expression on her face was similar to Mikasa’s – cool and unaffected. What surprised Armin, however, were her eyes: they were black, with blood red pupils.

  
“Are you alright?” she asked, setting him down next to her.

  
“Who are you?” he asked, trying to keep his body from trembling. This was all too weird. First, Eren and Levi were together, and now, a strange girl had actually managed to save him from Levi. What was happening? “And why do you look like Mikasa?”

  
The girl didn’t answer. Instead, she leaned over his shoulder and sniffed lightly, as though she was taking in his smell. “You...you’re human,” she said, sounding surprised.

  
Armin frowned. Of course he was human. Did this girl not realize that they were in the anime universe and not the manga? He would’ve thought it was pretty obvious, what with characters like *CENSORED FOR SPOILER* being alive and all.

  
“Yep, I’m still human,” he said.

The girl looked puzzled at his odd choice of words. Before she could say anything, Sasha appeared again.

“Hey –” she began, but the girl had tossed her a potato from her pocket before she could finish her sentence.

  
Sasha shot the girl a thumbs-up and vanished as quickly as she had appeared.

  
Armin blinked. _What is with everyone carrying potatoes around?_

  
At that moment Levi and Eren appeared, looking annoyed.

  
“You better not lay a single finger on him,” the girl threatened.

  
“What we do with him is none of your business,” Levi snarled, clearly pissed that his opportunity for a threesome was being sabotaged. “Get back to your own anime now, bitch.”

  
The girl sniffed the air again. Levi and Eren exchanged confused looks. Eren whispered to him as to whether he should ask the girl to join them too. Levi shook his head: they still didn’t know whether she was supposed to be shipped with him, Eren or Armin.

  
Armin, meanwhile, was trying to decide if she was a reader-insert or an OC. _Saved me from bullies? Check. Resembles a canon character and is probably related to them? Check. Unnatural eye color? Check. Definite hair color and style, as opposed to [h/l][h/c]? Check. Extraordinary speed and superhuman senses? Check and check. Yep. She’s an OC._

  
“You’re human too,” she said, staring daggers at Levi. “Are you a Dove?”

  
“A _what?_ ” Levi said.

  
She clicked her tongue impatiently. “Do you hunt ghouls?”

  
“Well, I don’t know if I’d call them _ghouls,_ ” he frowned. “I mean, they’re monsters, they eat human flesh, they –”

  
“That’s good enough for me,” the girl whispered. To everyone’s horror, she began transforming. She bent over, and red wing-like appendages began growing out of her back. They were nothing like anything the boys had seen before.

  
_Okay, she’s definitely an OC._

  
“I hope you’re ready to fight me, human,” the girl said, her gaze fixed on Levi.

Levi grunted. He gestured to Eren, who quickly tossed him his swords.

  
“Always,” he said.

  
With superhuman speed, the girl raced forward. Her red eyes glinted in the darkness. From the opposite end, Levi dashed forward, his swords extended by his sides.

  
Armin watched in horror as the two began to fight. At first, he was confident that Levi would win – he was Humanity’s Strongest, after all – but then he remembered that this girl was an OC, and was probably gifted with unmatched fighting skills too. He had to do something.

  
“Eren, what should we do?” he wailed. “We have to help Levi! That girl could kill him!”

  
Eren, who had been watching the fight like an excited five-year old, shook his head stubbornly. “Nuh-uh. My bae’s gonna win this. I know it.”

  
Armin facepalmed, and ran out of there as fast as he could.

  
Who could help him? He knew he should probably go to the Commander, but the Memorial Wall was nearby. Jean was sensible; he would know what to do. Armin quickly changed directions.

  
“Jean!” He panted heavily as he neared the wall. Jean was standing before a plague, his head bent slightly. “Jean! Come quick! Captain Levi is –”

  
Jean turned around, and Armin noticed the tears streaming down his face. “Jean, why are you crying?”

  
“I miss Marco,” he whispered, hastily rubbing the tears away with the back of his hand. “I miss him so much. I wake up every day and he’s not there, Armin. I –”

  
“Jean,” Armin was more than a little irritated by now. “Marco died like, midway through the first season. We’ve seen you grieve him and get over it. We’ve seen you change for the better. Not to be insensitive or anything, but why are you still crying about this now?”

  
Jean stopped wiping his face to shoot Armin a look. “We’re in a bad fanfic. What do you expect?”

  
Armin couldn’t help agreeing with that one.

  
“Anyway, I need your help. Levi is fighting an OC. She’s probably going to kill him. We have to do something. I –”

  
“Armin, there’s something I have to tell you,” Jean interrupted, following Armin to the boys’ bunk.

  
“Can’t it wait?” Armin asked. “We have a life or death situation here.”

  
Jean stopped walking. “I need to come clean – to you, to everyone. You need to know that –”

  
He was interrupted by Sasha suddenly appearing from behind Armin, her hand outstretched.

  
“Sure. Here you go.” He fumbled into his pockets for a potato and threw it at her.

  
_Why does EVERYONE have potatoes in their pockets??? What the actual hell???_

  
After Sasha left, Jean continued talking in that strange, sad tone. “I have to tell you that –”

  
“Jean, Levi could get killed any minute!” Armin cried, tugging onto Jean’s wrist desperately. “This is NOT the time for you to be talking about your tragic backstory!”

  
Jean snorted. “Oh, please. This is anime, Armin. There’s no such thing as the right time for a tragic backstory. You’re allowed to literally stop in the middle of a battle for a flashback. So don’t give me that.”

  
Armin pressed his fingers to his temples, massaging them. “Fine. What were you saying?”

  
“I was saying that,” Jean paused, as though he was waiting for something else to interrupt him. When nothing happened, he continued, “JeanMarco is canon.”

  
His blond friend blinked at the news he had just received. “Wait, what?”

  
“It’s true,” Jean said dramatically, waving his arms like he was in a Shakespeare play. “Marco and I...used to have hot crazy monkey sex every night.”

  
The blood drained from Armin’s face.

  
“Of course, he died too soon,” Jean continued. He shrugged. “But eh. It’s not like that changed anything.”

  
“ _What?_ ” Armin cried. “Jean, Marco is _dead!_ ”

  
“So?” Jean said.

  
“Wasn’t he cremated?” Armin shrieked.

  
“Your point being?” Jean replied.

  
Armin sat down on the stairs outside the bunk and buried his face in his hands. He could hear the sounds of a battle going on as Levi and the OC continued to battle it out. Beside him, Jean was describing his crazy monkey sex with Marco in detail.

  
He stood up. “You know what, Jean? Why don’t you go and, uh, tell Levi and Eren all this? I’m sure they would love hearing about it. It would be helpful to them. And I will go and, uh, do something else.”

  
“That’s not a bad idea,” Jean said. “In fact, I don’t know why I’m telling _you_ all this, seeing as you never get laid, even in fanfiction.”

  
Armin ignored the insult and pointed to the back of the cabin. “They’re over there. Hurry.”

  
As Jean walked away, Armin stood near the bunk and thought about what to do next. The battle was still going on, which meant that Levi was somehow holding his own against the girl. He probably had Eren helping him.

  
The only thing left for him to do now was inform the Commander that his friends were going crazy again. Sighing, Armin made his way to his superior’s quarters. He walked briskly, idly wondering why everyone in fanfiction was bisexual.

  
But before he reached Erwin’s cabin, he stopped. Sparks were flying inside Hange’s room.

  
 _Oh, what the hell?_ Knowing he was going to regret his decision, he knocked on her door.

  
“Come in!” Hange sang. He turned the knob and pushed open the door, only to get caught by a net and hung from the ceiling.

  
“What the –?” Armin swore loudly as the net swung from the ceiling, with him trapped in it. He had to admit, he wasn’t surprised. Hange was Hange, after all. “Hange, what is the meaning of this?”

  
“Ah, Armin Arlert,” Hange grinned at him maniacally, wringing her hands. “How unexpected of you to show up! And by unexpected, I mean COMPLETELY EXPECTED!”

  
“What do you mean, expected?” he asked, “Did you know I was coming? Is that why you trapped me in this net?”

  
“There’s something I want to show you,” she said, ignoring his questions. It was only then that Armin noticed the GIANT FREAKING LASER sitting on Hange’s bed.

  
“Um, Hange?” he said tentatively. “What is that, uh, GIANT FREAKING LASER doing in your room?”

  
“Ah, so you noticed!” she said happily. “Well, Armin Arlert, feast your eyes on my latest evil contraption! Behold, the Turn Food Into Cats-inator!”

  
Armin just blinked for a few seconds, before saying, “ _What?_ ”

  
“It all started when I was a little girl,” Hange got a faraway look in her eyes.

  
Armin facepalmed. _Great. Levi is dying, and we’re going into flashback mode. What is this, freaking Naruto?_

  
But before she could continue her story, Sasha appeared. Again.

  
She did not question why Armin was caught in a net, nor did she say anything about the machine. All she said was, “Potato?”

  
Armin waited patiently while Hange tossed a spud to Sasha. He was done questioning it at this point.

  
“It all started when I was a little girl,” Hange repeated, after Sasha left. “What I wanted most in the world was a cat. You know. To play with and torture to insanity. But my mom was like, ‘We don’t need a cat! There’s no food in the house, and we already have too many mouths to feed!’ So from then on, I decided that I would turn all food into...cats!”

  
“Oh Maria. That’s the dumbest backstory ever!” Armin facepalmed. “We’re facing a food shortage here, and you want to turn food into cats? Are you insane?”

  
“Yes. Yes I am.” Hange made a face like she was stating something really obvious.

  
“But why food?” he cried. “No, for that matter, why cats? You can literally pick up stray cats in the city! And why are you carrying potatoes in your pocket if you want to turn all food into cats?”

  
“To feed Sasha, silly!” Hange laughed. “What, do you want me to feed her cats? Don’t be stupid.”

  
“I...I don’t even.” Armin muttered to himself.

  
“As for you, Armin Arlert – you’ll be my first test subject!” Hange laughed evilly – or as evilly as she could. “You’re going to be the world’s first human-turned cat!”

  
“Hange, please,” he begged. His eyes filled with tears again. He didn’t want to be a cat. He wanted to be a human, go on adventures, read books...

  
“Hold it right there!” A deep voice interrupted Hange before she could carry out her evil plan. Commander Erwin burst through the door, breaking it down in the process.

  
“Commander Erwin!” Armin wept, clinging to the net desperately. “Save me, please!”

  
“Arlert, hang on!” Erwin ordered. “Hange! You won’t get away with this!”

  
Armin sighed with relief. Erwin was still normal. Thank god. He wouldn’t be able to handle it if another character was being crazy.

  
“You can’t stop me, Commander Erwin Smith!” Hange made sure she called her opponents by their last names, just so that she could seem more evil. “As soon as I pull down this lever, Armin Arlert will turn into a – son of a bitch!”

  
Somehow, an invisible force had pushed Hange back, and she hit the wall hard. She was now stuck to the wall and couldn’t move.

  
“Ow! What the hell?” Hange wriggled against the force, but to no avail. “Commander, what did your eyebrows do to me?”

  
“You are being held back by the fabulousness of my eyebrows!” the Commander explained. “My eyebrows are so fabulous that they can create static electricity, enough to thwart your evil plans!”

  
“Oh, Maria,” Armin facepalmed. _Yeah. Remember when I thought that Erwin was behaving normally? Boy, was I wrong._

  
With a swift slash of his sword, Erwin cut open the net trapping Armin and helped him to the floor. “Thank you, Commander,” Armin murmured. Even though he was wary of Erwin and his eyebrows, he was grateful that he was being rescued.

  
“It was my eyebrows’ pleasure, Arlert,” Erwin replied seriously. “As for you, young lady –” he glared at Hange, “you’re on a timeout. You’re going to stay there and think about what you’ve done.”

  
“But sir!” Hange whined.

  
“No buts!” Erwin roared. “My eyebrows expect an apology from you when I get back.” He turned around and walked out of the door.

  
Hange shot Erwin a dirty look and shook her fist at his retreating form. “Curse you, Commander Erwin Smith’s eyebrows!”

  
Armin shot her one last glance before hurrying behind Erwin.

  
“Commander!” he called, trying to catch up with the blond man. Erwin stopped walking and raised an eyebrow.

  
“Yes?” he replied. “This had better be good, Arlert. I was about to go condition the ‘brows.”

  
Armin made a ‘WTF’ face and shook his head. “Commander, you have come quick. An OC snuck into the barracks and is fighting Levi as we speak!”

  
Erwin gasped. “Did you say...an OC?”

  
“Yes,” he replied impatiently.

  
“Is she...” Erwin checked the area to see if anyone else was listening, before bending down to Armin’s level to whisper in his ear. “Is she... _a Mary Sue?_ ”

  
“She has blue hair, red eyes, wings, looks a lot like Mikasa, can sniff out Titans from humans and is, like, really fast,” Armin rambled. “What do you think?”

  
All the color disappeared from the Commander’s face. “Oh, the horror! My eyebrows cannot stand it! We have to save Levi before he falls in love with her and ruins canon!”  
 _Finally. Finally someone gets it._ “I’ll lead the way, Commander!”

  
They ran to the soldiers’ quarters as fast as they could.

  
“This way,” Armin said, making his way to the back of the cabin. However, he had to stop when he realized that the Commander wasn’t following him.

  
“Commander? Is something wrong?” he asked.

  
Erwin seemed to be hunting for something in his pockets. “Hang on, my eyebrows are looking for a potato for the girl – ah, here we go.” He tossed the potato to Sasha, who was standing beside him. She wasted no time in biting into it.

  
Suddenly, things began going very, very wrong. Not that they were going well to begin with, of course.

  
Sasha was mutating. Strange, starchy tumors began forming all over her body. Her limbs were losing shape and definition, and her skin was being turning a weird, yellow color. She was growing in size, too, and her clothes tore and fell off on being stretched. Finally, she stood before Armin and Commander Erwin (and his eyebrows) as a ten-foot tall monster made entirely out of potato.

  
 “Oh my eyebrows!” Erwin cried.

  
“What.” Armin started.

  
 “My eyebrows can’t believe this!”

  
“The.”

  
 “Sasha Blouse has turned into the Potato Titan!”

  
“Hell.”

  
Levi, Eren, Jean and the OC stopped fighting and immediately rushed to the scene.

  
“We heard the noise and got here as soon as we could,” Levi said. His clothes were torn in places in a very fanservicey way, and he was bleeding a little to turn the fangirls on. “Is that an Abnormal? How did it get here?”

  
“That’s no abnormal,” Erwin clarified. “That is – Sasha Blouse!”

  
Everyone gasped, including the OC.

  
“Sasha?” Jean asked incredulously. “Why is she a Potato Titan?”

  
Armin could only roll his eyes at this one. _For the same reason you have crazy monkey sex with Marco’s ashes, Jean. Crappy fanfiction._

  
“Armin!” Eren said. “You’re the smart one! What’s going on? Why is Sasha like this?”

  
Armin was about to remind Eren that just because he was the smart one, he didn’t have to do all of the explaining, when he remembered something.

  
_Years ago, when Eren, Mikasa and I were enrolling at the academy...Sasha was there. With her father. He was talking to Shadis. What did he tell him?_

  
_“This is my daughter,” Mr. Blouse was saying. “There are a few things you should know about her. One: don’t expose her to bright light. She sparkles like a gay vampire. Two: don’t get her wet. She’s still a little girl, you know. And three: never, EVER, feed her potatoes after midnight. Even if she begs. You don’t want to know why.”_

  
“Holy Rose,” Armin swore. “Guys. We made a mistake. We shouldn’t have been feeding her all those potatoes.”

  
“We have to do something!” Eren said. “I should transform and –”

  
“No.” Levi held his hand out before Eren, as if to stop him. “I’ll take care of this.”

  
“But bae!” Eren cried.

  
“If I don’t come back,” Levi closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Take good care of Evangeline.”

  
“Who’s Evangeline?” Armin asked.

  
A dark look appeared on Erwin’s face. “Levi, you better return that broom someday,” he muttered under his breath.

  
Levi nodded at the group and quickly swung up to the potato monster using his gear. He cut of one of her arms with his sword, and landed on the ground behind her.

  
The group watched anxiously as the detached arm fell to the side. However, instead of getting weaker, like they’d hoped, Sasha simply grew another gross, potatoey arm out of her side.

  
“So that didn’t work,” Levi said, walking back to the group. “Any other bright ideas?”

  
Everyone turned to Armin.

  
“Um...I can’t really think of anything right now,” Armin said nervously. “I mean, if Sasha was here, she would’ve said that we should just EAT the monster, but...”

  
The group exchanged looks. Without another word, they rushed towards Sasha.

  
“Wait! No! I didn’t say you should actually _do_ it!” Armin cried helplessly. “Guys, stop and think about this for a second: you’re trying to eat one of your best friends! Guys!”

  
Everyone ignored him and continued to race towards the giant potato monster. They jumped on it with their mouths open, expecting to bite off a delicious bit of potato. But the strangest thing happened: they landed on the ground hard, and each one of them had a cat in their mouth.

  
“Nope.” Armin said, shaking his head.

  
“Meow?” the cat in Erwin’s mouth asked.

  
“Nope. Screw this. I’m out.” Armin turned around and walked away. He was done. He didn’t want to deal with this...whatever ‘this’ was anymore.

  
“Meow meow meow, meow?” Jean’s cat asked.

  
“Far, far away from here,” Armin replied. “In fact, I think I’ll leave this anime altogether. I can’t do this anymore. Goodbye.”

  
The five cats meowed indignantly, but Armin ignored them. _I don’t want to be on Attack on Titan anymore. I should just get another job. What can I do? He-Man ended long ago, so I can’t do that. Mello is dead, so Death Note’s out, too. Maybe they’ll let me join Hunter x Hunter? I’d make a good Kurapika. Or, worst case scenario, I could always do Boku no Pico again. That was fun – NOT. Wait, is Hetalia still running?_

  
Armin was so lost in thought that he slammed into someone on his way out.

  
“Armin Arlert!” Hange cried, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. “You won’t believe this! After I thought about what I’d done, I realized the error of my ways! So Erwin’s fabulous eyebrow force let me go and I was so happy that I did a backflip and I accidentally turned the Turn Food Into Cats-inator on! Is everyone okay?”

  
“Hange?” he replied, bewildered. “No, nobody’s okay, but I’m glad you are. But, um, there’s something you should see.”

  
He led her back to the cabin, where the main characters minus Mikasa and plus the OC, were still there. They were all seated on the ground and were surrounded by a large number of cats. Levi and Eren were petting their cats and cuddling with each other. Jean was telling his cat about Marco and their crazy monkey sex. Erwin was teaching his cat the secret to fabulous eyebrows. The OC, however, was staring at her cat stiffly from a distance.

  
“So, um,” Hange asked hesitantly. “What exactly did the TFIC-inator hit?”

  
Armin sighed. He debated on whether he should tell Hange the truth or not: no doubt, she would be distressed if she heard that she killed one of her soldiers, but she deserved to know.

  
“Sasha,” he said quietly. “It hit Sasha.”

  
Hange gasped. “Oh my. Does this mean...that...”

  
“Yes,” Armin nodded. “She’s dead. Unless you find a way to reverse this thing –”

  
“...the TFIC-inator works on humans, too? That’s awesome!” She clapped her hands and jumped up and down on the spot.

  
“I – what?” Armin said.

  
“It works! The TFIC-inator works! Now I can finally have the cute little kitty I always dreamed of!” Hange rushed to the group of cats on the grass.

  
“But...but...” Armin said, shocked. “Okay, first of all, the TFIC thingy does _not_ work on humans. It only worked on Sasha because she was a POTATO. And secondly –”

  
“Dibs on the orange one!” Hange screamed and tried to hug the cat.

  
“Does _nobody_  realize that Sasha, one of our close friends and comrades, is _dead?”_ he cried.

  
“Who cares?” Jean shouted. “Free cats!”

  
Armin sank to the floor. He stood there on his knees, unable to deal with the situation before him.

  
“I like cats,” Levi was saying. “Very clean animals.”

  
“Ooh,” Eren said excitedly. “Maybe we can roleplay Levi x Neko Eren?”

  
Jean pulled out his phone. “Levi x Neko Eren has eight million results on Google. Let’s see how many there are for Jean x Neko Marco...”

  
_I’m not even going to ask where Jean got the phone from._

  
“We should have a fundraiser and sell these cats,” Erwin announced. “Our funds are really low this time. And I totally did NOT use them to but super expensive hair conditioner for my eyebrows, of course.”

  
_I’m so sorry, Sasha. If I had remembered about your condition earlier, I could have saved you. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry..._

  
“So, who are you?” Hange was saying.

  
Armin looked up to find her addressing the OC.

  
“She’s an OC,” he replied, unable to stop himself. “And judging from the kind of OC she is, I can already tell you everything you need to know about her. She’s from Shiganshina, and as a kid everyone picked on her because of her red eyes. She was supposedly best friends with Eren, Mikasa and me, who were the only people nice to her. But then her parents died when the Titans invaded Shiganshina, so she joined the Scouts to get revenge and protect her little sister. She discovered that she was really good at killing Titans, was really fast and the best in class. But then it turns out that Eren was in love with her since childhood, and Jean had a crush on her too, but she didn’t think of either of them that way. Later she joined the Survey Corps, and was inexplicably attracted to Levi, who also loved her back, even though he treated her like crap, so they got together.”

  
Everyone stared at him with their mouths open.

  
“Oh, and at some point in her life, she discovered that she was a demon and could fly and had superhuman abilities and stuff.” Armin finished.

  
“What are you talking about?” the girl replied. “I’m not an OC.”

  
“You’re not?” Armin said. He felt incredibly stupid for monologuing for so long about her fictional backstory. “Then who are you?”

  
“I’m a canon character from a different anime,” she explained. “My name is Touka Kirishima, and I’m a ghoul.”

  
“Oh. Right.” Armin mentally slapped himself for being so stupid. Tokyo Ghoul – he should have known – the red eyes were a dead giveaway. “But what are you doing here?”

  
Touka frowned, as though she was trying to remember. “I don’t know. I was trying to find my friend, when suddenly I found myself in this strange world. There was a voice in my head saying that I was now a soldier and I had to protect someone called Eren. When I heard you scream,” she looked at Armin, “and I saw them kidnapping you, I thought _you_ were Eren. So I did my best to save you.”

  
“Th – th – thanks, I guess,” Armin said nervously. A white cat walked up to him and rubbed herself on his legs. He picked her up and scratched her behind the ears, thinking hard.

  
_So Touka is in our world now. And she seems to have replaced Mikasa. I’m not very happy about this, to be honest – I liked Mikasa. We were friends. Also, Levi and Eren and together now. Also, Jean will never get over Marco. Also, Hange received a personality transplant from Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Also, Erwin has fabulous secret eyebrow powers. Also, Sasha is dead._

  
He looked at the fourth wall and whispered, “What on earth is the writer thinking?”

* * *

**Meanwhile, beyond the fourth wall:**

  
“Please,” the man begged desperately, trying to appeal to his captor. “Please. I have a family...”

  
The girl sighed. She didn’t enjoy treating him this way, especially since he was someone she greatly admired. But it had to be done. For her, and for millions of fans all over the world. For the greater good.

  
She also didn’t like it when he spoke Japanese. All the Japanese she knew was from watching subbed anime, hence she was finding it difficult to keep up with him.

  
“Watanabe-san?” she called, scanning the room. Watanabe was the only person on the team who could speak conversational English.

  
Watanabe-san, a young woman in her twenties, stood up and bowed slightly. “Yes, Miss...uh...”

  
The girl sighed again. “I’m not gonna tell you my real name. You can just call me by my online handle, EreriFangirl69.”

  
“Yes, Miss...EreriFangirl69,” Watanabe tried not to cringe at the name. “How can I help you?”

  
“Please tell Isayama-san not to be afraid,” she said. “And explain to him why Eren and Levi need to make out while Eren is in Titan form. It adds depth to their relationship and shows that Levi finds Eren hot even when he’s a Titan.”

  
“Yes, Miss EreriFangirl69,” the woman replied.

  
“Also tell him that he needs to redraw that scene in the beginning where Armin walks in on Eren and Levi making out,” she instructed. “It isn’t sexy enough.”

  
“Yes, Miss EreriFangirl69,” Watanabe replied.

  
“Also, Erwin doesn’t talk about his eyebrows enough and Hange isn’t 'evil mad scientisty' enough,” EreriFangirl69 said. “Please tell him to make the following changes. I’ll let you know if there’s anything else to be done.”

  
Watanabe nodded and quickly explained the corrections to Isayama, who was outraged.

  
“What?” he cried, in rapid Japanese. “What is wrong with her? First she makes me turn my manga into a romance, then she forces me to change the personality of my characters, and now she wants Shingeki no Kyojin to be _hentai?_ Unacceptable!”

  
“Please, Isayama-san,” Watanabe said quietly. “She has a sword.”

  
“My editor is probably going to kick my ass if he reads this chapter!” Isayama argued. “And, on the off chance that he approves of it, I’m going to lose all of my fans when they read it!”

  
“A _sword_ , Isayama-san,” she reminded.

  
Isayama sighed and got back to work.

  
EreriFangirl69, meanwhile, was FaceTiming her best friend.

  
“Hey!” she greeted, as soon as she saw her best friend.

  
“Hi!” Ereri’s best friend, Kanekixxx, replied. “How’s the vacation going?”

  
“You won’t believe what happened today!” Ereri replied. “No, wait, guess where I am right now!”

  
“Um,” Kaneki studied the background behind Ereri. “An office?”

  
“Even better!” Ereri replied excitedly. “This is Hajime Isayama’s office! This is where the Attack on Titan manga is drawn!”

  
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!” Kaneki screamed.

  
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!” Ereri screamed.

  
“And I met Isayama-san himself!” she continued. “And I got him to make a few changes to AOT! So that means...Ereri is officially canon!”

  
Both Kaneki and Ereri screamed at the same time again.

  
“You. Are. Awesome.” Kaneki breathed. “How did you do it?”

  
“I dunno, I just showed up here in my Levi cosplay and they got _really_ scared,” Ereri shrugged. “Then I realized they were afraid of the swords, so I used them to...uh...convince Isayama-san to change whatever I wanted about the series!”

  
“That’s amazing! What else did you get him to change?” her friend asked eagerly.

  
“Okay, so I got him to make JeanMarco canon,” she said. “Even though Marco is dead and all. I would have asked him to bring Marco back, but then it would’ve seemed too much like a fanfiction, you know?”

  
“Yeah,” Kaneki replied.

  
“And Erwin has fabulous secret eyebrow powers, because his eyebrows are so totally fab,” Ereri continued. “And I told him to make Hange more mad-scientisty, like Doofenshmirtz in Phineas and Ferb. He was funny. Armin is still his usual nerdy self, though. For some reason, I can’t seem to make him do anything different.”

  
“Huh,” Kaneki said.

  
“And everyone has a kitty now. Kitties are cute.” Ereri finished.

  
“Kawaii desu!” Kaneki squealed.

  
“Oh, and you wanna know the best part?” Ereri said eagerly. “Touka from Tokyo Ghoul is now in AOT! I asked him to put her in because I know how much you love TG!”

  
The two girl screamed continuously for the next five minutes. Sometimes they screamed together, other times they took turns. One of Isayama’s assistants distributed headphones among the staff to block out the noise.

  
“SQUEE!” Kaneki looked like she wanted to jump out of the screen and hug her best friend. “YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND EVER TYSM ILY!”

  
“I KNOW RIGHT!” Ereri replied. “This is going to be the best issue ever! I can’t wait to read it!”

  
Watanabe, who had understood the entire conversation, silently prayed to Levi for the sanity of the fans.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in an alternate universe:**

  
Mikasa ran. She was in a bizarre world where buildings were over six hundred meters and contained glowing lights. There were so many people everywhere, and they wore weird clothing and spoke in strange tongues. This world also seemed to contain some type of metallic vehicles, that moved with great speed and made loud noises.

  
Wrapping her red scarf tightly around her neck, she continued to run. She didn’t know how she got here, or where everyone was. Everything she knew was from what a voice in her head had relayed to her: that this was her world now, and she had to keep running until she found someone.

  
Mikasa didn’t want to be here. She missed Eren, Armin and the rest of her friends. She wanted to go back to her own world. She had been running for hours, and was extremely tired. She stood in the middle of the street, resting her hands on her knees.

  
“Who the fuck is Kaneki?” she screamed.


End file.
